Media > Articles by Sy > Not a Virgin Anymore

So You're Not a Virgin Any More...
(First published in Soul Purpose Magazine)

by Sy Rogers

"In our last issue, we asked: "How far can you go before marriage"? But what happens if you've already gone too far? Sy Rogers talks about life after sex..."
Soul Purpose Magazine

Whether you "gave it away" or someone took it... whether it was loneliness or lust... maybe you didn't even mean to go all the way... but you're not a virgin anymore.

You know that you're not supposed to have sex before marriage. But the reality is, you've been doing it. And now God is speaking to your heart.

If I'm describing you, then let me tell you that I know how you feel - I have been there, done that: I was sexually active when I gave my life to God many years ago. I had come from a broken home and grew up feeling very insecure. In my teen years, sexual relationships became a way of feeling good about myself, and sex became really important to me. In spite of the "downside" to sexual relationships - the physical risks like disease and the heartbreak of being used - I gave myself sexually, hoping to be loved.

Then in my twenties, God intervened in my life. My eyes were opened to Him and I experienced the reality of His love. Even though I had many unanswered questions about God and Christianity, I knew God wanted me, and I began my journey with Him. But what did God expect me to do about my sexuality now? Let me share what I've learned.

Turn To Him.

God had a big heart for those who are no longer sexually pure. There are examples throughout the Bible like Rahab the prostitute, King David the adulterer, Mary Magdalene the "Bad Girl", and the woman of Samaria, who was living with her fifth lover when God's love rescued her.

God's love is bigger than our mistakes and disobedient choices. Not being a virgin doesn't disqualify you from His love. So don't let shame separate you from God. I've learned that God takes every failure and mistake that we give too Him, and turns it around to serve His purpose - that's how big His love is.

Learn From Him.

God knows what He is talking about when He asks us to control our sexuality rather than be controlled by it. Sex has the power to create life and bonding...or it can corrupt, enslave and even kill these days. The world is full of a lot of physical and emotional suffering due to the consequences of sex outside the boundaries of marriage - God allows this because He gives us the freedom to make our own choices. Still, God doesn't want us hurting ourselves and others, which is why He urges us to live within His wise boundary; no sex outside of marriage. God asks very little of us, especially in this New Testament age, but He does make the point that if we claim Him, then He "claims our bodies". This is serious stuff, so regardless of society's values, or my loneliness and lust, I had to learn to grow up and become responsible for my body, and stop misusing it sexually. If you do find that it's really difficult to stop having sex, then consider counselling or a support group. God never said you had to get over your weaknesses all by yourself. Lots of people need outside help from time to time, and when they get it, they often make much faster progress. Contact the SP office for counselling recommendations - you can even use a fake name if that makes it easier!

When I have sexual temptations...memories...fantasies, I have learned to run to God with them, instead of being ashamed about them. Such inner struggles are part of being human.

God is concerned with what I think and feel, not just with what I do. In fact, what I do sexually on the 'outside' with my body, always starts on the 'inside'. So I make it a practice to keep clean by bringing my thoughts to Him daily - kind of like 'washing off' and keeping clean in a dirty world. If I'm tempted or a sexual memory surfaces, I run to God with it now and say, "Look at what I'm thinking Lord...I want that...BUT I want You more...help me! Cleanse me!".

This is similar to the way Jesus prayed to the Father - God responds to an honest prayer! So don't let temptations and sexual thoughts separate you from God. Rather, get into the practice of turning to God with them!

It takes time to develop new habits like this, so if you fall down, GET UP and TRY AGAIN. You aren't going to be perfect, but you can be faithful by persevering. Don't give up. You will make progress!

I can't undo my past, but God has given me the opportunity to build a new future with healthy relationships inside God's boundaries. His love has made me feel clean again, and completely accepted. I suppose God would rather have me with my weaknesses and struggles and imperfect past, than not have me at all. He feels the same towards you.

"I love the Lord for He heard my voice. He heard my cry for mercy. Because He turned His ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live" (Psalm 116:1-2).