Media > Articles By Sy > Pash or Lash

Pash or Lash?
How Far Should You Go?
(First published in Soul Purpose Magazine)

by Sy Rogers

"Sy Rogers, a legend when it comes to knowing good stuff about sex, gives us some tips on everyone's favourite question:"How far should you go before marriage?""
Soul Purpose Magazine

Christian young people today are confused about when exactly 'no means no'. Most of us have learned the mandate 'No Sex Outside of Marriage', but every year thousands of Christians end up going all the way - even though we don't intend to. And the consequences range from an unplanned loss of dignity, to unplanned pregnancy.

So what's going on?

We all know that we wrestle with pressures inside and out: A 'crush' is the perfect name for the crushing pressure we feel inside when we are physically and emotionally attracted to someone. Then there are the sexual expectations placed on us everyday by our sex-crazed society (and mates!). But these pressures aren't really as difficult to resist as you might think.

Believe it or not, many of us unwittingly encourage our own downfall. Here's some clues explaining why:

If you can get beyond the lovey- dovey descriptions in the Old Testament 'romance' Song of Solomon, you'll read sentiments as real as today's feelings between two people who are hot for each other!

Despite their real emotional and physical yearning, the repeated theme of the book echoes through to today:' Don't stir up love (erotic love)before it is time. '

Indeed, the implication is that one CAN very well stir up love before it's appropriate But many many many Christian young adults have two unspoken assumptions about dating. It goes something like this:

*As long as we aren't actually having intercourse, it's OK to get physical and mess around a bit .

*That's what you're' SUPPOSED to do' when you're going out. It's just normal.

Oh really says who? Not God. Both of these assumptions are mistaken in my opinion and here's why:

It's not just a pash:

We have all sorts of nice names for it:' snuggles', 'kisses and cuddles', 'touchy-feely' or the good old pash. We make it sound cute and seem to think it's OK as long as we're not actually 'doing it'. But the fact is, this is physical, sexual contact designed to stir up romantic and sexual passion.

It is also known as FOREPLAY, which is basically' sex before sex' -the stuff you deliberately do to prepare for intercourse. It's like jumping into a raging river when you thought you were just going to splash around in a stream. Before you know it, you will get swept away. It's no wonder you end up going all the way.

But it's the 'normal' thing to do

If that's what you believe, then who are you listening to? The fact that many who 'claim to follow and submit to God' get into sex before marriage causes me to think that Jesus isn't really Lord in their private lives like He needs to be.

Are you living by the values of your culture, or by God's culture? Our world heavily encourages sexual experimentation as normal, expected and desirable, AND generally disses the idea of self control. Youth culture spends far more time awash in these values through the media, than time absorbing God's values. And the consequences are all around us. Imagine how different the world would be if we just obeyed God and controlled ourselves in just this one thing called sex!

God asks very little of New Testament followers compared to the rule-heavy Old Testament days. But one of THE limits and boundaries God gives us today is "Make Your Body My Temple don't use your body for sexual immorality "-which is ALL sex out of marriage.

He knows we will wrestle with our emotional and physical yearning & burning but God who loves us, wants to protect us and others. Therefore, in spite of our feelings, the moral standard remains.

Throughout the Bible you can hear God saying'Be wise, not sorry', and'Love Me more than you love your partner and your own physical satisfaction'and 'Don't live like those who don't know Me -honour Me with your Body. I paid for it with My Life'.

Therefore "use your imagination and body parts for My honour - don't misuse your body, and don't stir up sexual desire in someone you aren't married to ".

Having said this then, here is some practical advice:

Respect Sex: Don't stir up love before its time. So when is it time to stir up sexual desire?When you can afford to:In marriage. Control sexual desire don't let it control you. Part of that self control includes what you feed your heart and mind with in private so trash the porn, guys -and ditch the romance novels girls you know that it stirs and feeds that appetite!

If you can't control yourself -and it can happen with sexual appetite -then don't be too scared to get counselling.

Respect Limits: You will be tempted to cross the line, so be prepared: make plans ahead of time not to put yourself and your date in such a situation.

Here's a good motto: If you can't do it in front of your parents, then you shouldn't be doing it at all!

Too strict you think?Then who are you listening to?I can assure you that many who have crossed the line, will tell you it's better to be too cautious than to wish you had been. And if you think I sound strict, just wait until YOU have your own children!

Respect Others: Make a commitment to God and your parents and your partner NOT to be sexually active before marriage. Outward commitments are a good inward anchor, helping you ride out the temporary pressures of temptation and you WILL be tempted. Every commitment you make -to God, to your spouse - will be tested.

Respect God: Not the so called 'wisdom'of modern, sexually- obsessed society a society filled with heartbreaking consequences due to a lack of restraint. God never said that obeying Him would always feel good. He never said that obedience would get rid of sexual temptation. But obedience won't hurt you like disobedience!

Finally, if you have been crossing the line, it is not too late!God knows we are vulnerable and make mistakes. Sometimes we are too ashamed to admit to God what we're doing, but believe me He knows about it (even if your parents don't'), and we certainly can't change without God on our side. God generously forgave me for my sexually active past, and helps me manage temptations today. I can trust His love and have learned to run to Him in times of struggle. God restores my dignity and helps me grow in my self control. Return to Him He is quick to forgive, and rich in mercy and understanding.